We're All Buttholes

Recently I got to enjoy a fighting spell with my love. They suck. I don’t know if you have ever gotten to enjoy one yourself, but I highly recommend it.

They can make you hugely humble. That’s where you get to find out what an asshole you are. That’s where you say the mean things you always told yourself you were too good to say, you were too much of an angel to let out – you were always better than him or her (you knew, but you never said it to anyone… all your friends knew too, we just talk about it when we’re fighting).

But then you say them – things that aren’t true, things that hurt and you know hurt. And then you get back into your normal brain and you wonder, “What the F@$! happened? Who even was that?”

It’s like an alien beams down into your body while you remain conscious of what’s going on and just let everything out like Noah’s flood – true or not.

They say that even the cutest, fluffiest puppy will bite back when backed into a corner. It makes sense. It has a brain. Said brain has built-in features like self-defense, protection, and go figure, instincts.

If it makes you feel better to come to terms with this idea, you can think of yourself as the puppy. The puppy that is so cute you could die! It snuggles up on your lap and falls asleep and has this charming little snore, so little and almost unnoticeable. And you just can’t even understand how life had meaning before this little life was yours to care for – yeah, that’s you. You’re the puppy. And your caretaker is your partner.

Then the puppy takes a creamy shit on the white rug right freaking next to the wood floor that would have been so much easier to clean up. Oh, and also puked up some puppy kibble and obviously didn’t even try to get to a better spot to puke (that’s the word-vomit and word-poop). Oh, and then the puppy actually eats the poop. Yup, you’re a poop-eater. Gross.

But no judgement. I eat poop too. Every time we get in this stupid fighting spell. And it surprises me every time that I could be a poop-eater. Like, who in their right mind would find that appealing?

But then, eventually you fall in love with that puppy all over again. When you make up and that puppy does something cute again, like get so happy when you get home like it just won the lottery and never has to go to work again, it just melts your heart and all of the hard work making up is totally worth it.

I’m a puppy. I’m a butthole. And I’m a poop-eater. Shamelessly. But you are too. Ask yourself, “how am I self-righteous in my relationship? How have I shat on my partner’s lush white carpet?” Trust me, you’ve done it. Even if it is just in the act of being self-righteous. And believe me, I’ve done that too.

Constantly shaming the other and telling them how they’ve done wrong repeatedly rather than work towards resolving the dispute is akin to starting the fight in the first place.

So I challenge you – be real with yourself – how have you contributed to your fights and how could you be a little more cuddly without compromising yourself for the sake of your marriage/relationship?

Amber CastanoComment